I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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