Kareoke will never be a sober sport
she woke up with a sticky ear
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
