We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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