I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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