i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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