Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
