he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize