I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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