I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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