I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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