when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
