why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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