Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
