Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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