he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
