shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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