An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
