my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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