I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Found your dick twin last night
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize