My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
