there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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