He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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