I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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