I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize