Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I CAN MOONWALK!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
