At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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