My underwear smells like fireworks.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize