so that wasnt chicken after all
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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