Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
