I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
