my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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