someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
