The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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