After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
