Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
