foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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