I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
