As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Little spoons don't ask big questions
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
