Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize