Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
