she was so not down for the gang bang
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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