Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
