FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize