How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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