I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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