We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
