I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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