I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
