college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
