Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
