I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
