I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
