you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
