Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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