How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
