it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
