life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize