I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
