I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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