woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm sobbing to NWA
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
