her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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