My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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