The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
